BECOME ALIVE
Growing in your relationships means maturing yourself first, and living into who you want to be without justifications or excuses. What you DO shows you what you most want. And how you do it, and the meanings attached are critical to how you think and feel about yourself and others. Lots of people have sex to manage their partners, not because they want and appreciate them. Lots of people feel like they can withhold the warmth and tenderness of sex because of what their partner is doing. Is your partner responsible for what YOU choose to do? Nope. Maturing takes growing in self-responsibility, looking honestly at what you are building, and learning what muscles you need to strengthen. Some people need to grow a backbone and not tolerate demeaning behavior, and need to look at how they use “being honest” as a club. Some people blame their partner for their own reactivity, rather than take full responsibility for themselves and learn to settle themselves down. My job is to assess what muscles you need to develop in yourself to mature - perhaps it’s letting your partner in to what is angering you, or looking at how you feel entitled to your partner’s body, or how you go through the motions and offer heart-less sex rather than heart-full sex. There’s many things you may be doing that are impeding your growth - and negatively impacting your partner, and thus your relationship.
Compassionate Self-Confrontation is the pathway towards freedom, choice, and growth. Being honest with yourself is difficult, but you become freer when you do.
Self-confrontation means looking at your actions and the way you interact with yourself and others to learn things about yourself. Sometimes the things you learn are difficult to tolerate, but it is in the clearly seeing that you have real choice - and the freedom to challenge and change yourself from the best in you - the place that desires to grow, develop and BECOME. It’s much easier to see what other people are up to - to know what they want - rather than to see yourself clearly and to be compassionately honest with yourself. You can grow any relationship you are in by becoming more emotionally regulated (more able to calm your heart and mind and challenge yourself first) and grounded in yourself.
Meet Your Therapist
JAMIE ABENROTH, CST, NCC, LPCC
Masters Degree of Counseling Psychology
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor - WA, CA, TX, ID, UT, AZ, FL
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Nationally Certified Counselor board certified by NBCC
She’s trained in The Crucible Approach and Crucible Neurobiological Therapy developed by Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. Ruth Morehouse since 2015.
Jamie meets virtually with couples and individuals in the following states: Washington, California, Florida, Texas, Arizona, Utah and Idaho. If you’d like to see the details of her practice (hours, fees, out of network, online, etc.) check out the Therapy Sessions & Fees tab above. After clicking the tab, scroll down the page and you’ll find important details there. To schedule a session now, click on the Contact tab above.
JAMIE IS CURRENTLY ACCEPTING NEW CLIENTS VIRTUALLY.
I’m a Certified Sex Therapist because intimacy and embodiment are an important and personal part of each person. Often people do not think their sensuality, embodiment (trusting your gut), or arousal are life-giving energies in their lives and thus people often cut themselves off from the wholeness of themselves, believing these aspects are shameful, less than or wrong. Embodiment is about experiencing and letting into your heart and body joy and pleasure; being open to sights, tastes, smells, sounds, and touches. It certainly isn’t easy to be open, because when you consider letting yourself, for example, really be held in another person’s arms and relaxing, you also intuitively will only relax if you believe you are someone worthy of being held, a valuable, unique human being worthy of care and love. You also must give that other person freedom to choose what they will do - as love and desire are about freedom and not possession.
Intimacy in sex has more to do with revealing new aspects of yourself to your partner. It's less about specific areas of your body, and more about being known and seen by an important person to you - and living into new meanings and aspects of yourself that you are wanting to experience. Connected sex is powerful and often you have to grow the capacity to tolerate really being seen!Very few people grow up with solid comprehensive sexual health information or have role models or mentors who teach them about relational, emotional and sexual health in long-term relationships. Sexual difficulties and losing desire are normal parts of relationship development - this is often more a signal of dependence on your partner’s validation rather than making a choice for yourself than it is about hormones and sex drive: sex has much more to do with the meanings that you and your partner are passing back and forth to one another. And not wanting sex is often a sign of good judgment! My job is to help you unpack the meanings that currently exist in your sex life, or lack thereof, and create an opening for you to build the kind of relationship and intimacy that you really want.
Relationship difficulties and sexual issues are normal and you are not broken nor is your partner. So many people think they are broken when in fact what their bodies are expressing is wisdom. Sexual dysfunctions, sexual desire discrepancy, feeling obligated sexually, feeling sexual shame, feeling low desire or too much desire, feeling fear around sexuality, and facing issues of sexual abuse from your past are areas where I can help support your growth. Unfortunately most people have not grown up robust learning around relationships, sexuality, and how the two work together. I’m here to answer questions, to help you discern the right moves for you to make, and for you to live into who you most want to be.
Clients come to me for help with
wanting a healthier sexual relationship with themselves or with a partner
understanding and alleviating sexual pain in their relationship
to find a healthy way out of defensiveness and criticism
to stop escalation of fighting or withdrawing
wanting to sort through their concerns about intimacy and sexuality
learning to trust their own inner voice
issues of broken trust and desire to build trust
learning to be more honest and intimate
co-parenting
wanting support and validation from their partner
manipulation, gas-lighting, and being pressured in a relationship
sexual dysfunctions
different levels of emotional and sexual desire between partners
processing abusive relationships or past traumas
communication issues
talking in circles, unproductive conflict
co-dependency
wanting to mature sexually and intimately
processing relational traumas from the present and from the past
anxiety and panic
grief - a loss of something important
decrease in sexual desire
being unsure if their sexual fantasies are normal or healthy
difficulty being present while being sexual
having difficulty soothing their emotions and thoughts - getting reactive, defensive, attacking emotionally OR shutting down and withdrawing
Dr. David Schnarch, a mentor and teacher I hold dear, shared with a group of his students learning his therapeutic approach that the greatest respect you can offer a client is to tell them directly and honestly what you see them doing even if it is difficult for the client. I am guided by this principle: that your time, your resources, and your life are important - and I am going to step in quickly with you to help you face your challenges head on. Collaborative confrontation is kind - it helps you see yourself accurately so you have the choice to do something about it should you decide to make a change for yourself.
I treat relationship and sexual issues with compassion, directness, and honesty. If I see something problematic in the way you are relating, I am going to confront it right there. We’re going deep, and we’re going for the heart of your issues. I work with clients to push them towards self-development, towards greater resilience, and towards defining and living out of their personal responsibilities and personal values.
True peace, personal integrity, and safety come through a commitment to be honest with yourself and those you hold dear, even though it may change the picture that you and others have held about you. The reality is, you have solid ground to stand on when you get real. Even though it’s difficult to face less admirable aspects of yourself and let others in on it, your self respect grows.
A solid sense of self develops from confronting yourself, challenging yourself to do what’s right, and earning your own self-respect.
― Dr. David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
